While I was engrossed in reading the string of comments, I came across one specific comment that left a sour taste in my mouth.
At first glance, the comment seems inoffensive. It does appear that it was written in good faith. But there's something not quite right.
The commenter's intentions were in the right place, but his execution was off.
"These workers are real men" is what I'm talking about. On the surface, the comment looks good-hearted and appreciative, but it does something significant quite subtly. It perpetuates the toxic belief that a man is a real man only if he puts his life on the line for the sake of others. If he doesn't, he is not masculine enough, and therefore not a real man.
I am in no way diminishing the hard work of the Javan miners. They have my utmost respect. I'm talking about the comment and how it promotes the propagation of a very harmful idea, even though that was probably not the commenter's intention.
In 2020, a six-year-old boy saved his four-year-old sister from a dog attack. The dog ripped his cheek, and the boy underwent a two-hour surgery as well as ninety stitches. The news was shared on various sites, including Reddit, where it garnered tons of attention.
Most people showered the boy in praise and called him a hero, and I agreed with them. However, there was also a good portion of responses in which people resorted to calling the kid, you guessed it, a "man."
Once again, there was something about that that bothered me. Here are a few comments I found under the posts:
"He will have one hell of a story to tell the girls."
"He may be 6, but that is a man right there."
"A large part of the masculinity is sacrifice." (in response to the comment: "Men and boys are taught they are disposable from an early age. I'm just glad they are both alive.")
"This f*****g Chad is going to get so much p***y in middle school."
That last mess of a comment was downvoted to the very bottom, and rightfully so.
Let's look at it this way. A child almost died saving his sister from a ferocious dog. Yet many people chose to focus on his "manliness" and his future love life. Yes, what he did was incredibly courageous, but we shouldn't be telling little boys that getting injured and putting your life on the edge makes you a man. Bridger even said, "If someone had to die, I thought it should be me," which is a loaded statement. It could be out of brotherly love or not, but I don't intend to analyze that sentence.
The comments about the boy's scars attracting the ladies are disgusting. Why does that even arise in one's mind? Again, another damaging aspect of the current idea of masculinity is that one of man's end goals is to attract women. This is a little kid. Why is that even a thought? What he does to get a partner in the future, if he wants to, is only his business. This idea also has a detrimental effect on male sexual minorities.
An appropriate commenter would praise Bridger's courage and hope for the betterment of his physical and mental health without bringing up anything related to masculinity and manliness.
Such reactions make me realize how the way boys are raised in society needs to change.
Right from a tender age, boys are force-fed wrong and unhealthy beliefs by adults around them. By the time they reach adulthood, it becomes difficult for them to dispose of what they had learned during childhood because those ideas are so ingrained in their heads. There's a reason why they say a child's mind is like a sponge. Unlike normal sponges, though, children's brains are best at only soaking up.
Sometimes, boys learn from their peers and not from grown-ups like their parents. Also, the pressure of fitting in with the crowd is immense. Many boys eventually fall prey to toxic beliefs until it becomes a part of their identities. I've seen friends of mine who started out with pretty healthy mindsets only for them to transform into one of the "cool kids" a few years later.
A piece of mine, which depicts a dramatized version of a real-life kindergarten incident, showcases the ugly side of toxic masculinity. Boys are thought that in order to be a man, they should not cry, hate pink, be good at sports, and so on. If not, they are not manly enough, which is very insulting and shameful. If they don't tick all the boxes in the modern manly checklist, they are a "girl," or worse, "gay."
All this talk about childhood and masculinity brings to mind some not-so-good memories. Growing up, I wasn't your stereotypical boyish boy. My interests and behavior were more on the feminine side according to societal standards. This often resulted in a few people calling me a "girl," as I didn't fit the mold. I didn't get why I was called a girl when I was a boy. I also didn't get the use of the word "girl" as an insult.
My experience taught me that a lot of people navigate life with a binary outlook. But you have to understand that not everything in life is just black and white.
Eventually, the backlash I faced for being myself was significant enough for me to conceal a large chunk of who I was. While things have gotten better, I still hide a part of me due to shame and fear.
In the ninth grade, I couldn't open a locker. My teacher told me, "You're a boy. You should be able to open it." A friend quickly rushed to my defense and told my teacher that her remark lacked sense, obviously in a respectful manner. That friend also happened to be a girl. The boys remained silent. The truth is, I actually was scared to use all my strength because the last time I did, I ended up pulling the handle out. But that doesn't matter. Say I couldn't open the locker due to an actual lack of strength. The teacher still shouldn't have said that.
Toxic masculinity breeds some terrible behavior in boys and men. "Boys don't cry" is a pretty common saying. It's absurd that this sentence even escapes the mouths of certain people (not really if you've been raised to believe those words). Asfp.org reported that a CDC study found that men in the US committed suicide 3.63 times as often as women. If we think about how boys are brought up and made to act, it doesn't come as a surprise. Men are much more likely to abuse someone than women. A reasonable guess as to why this happens is because they are not raised properly.
When I look around, it's sad to see how not all but many men are under constant pressure to fit an image handed over to them by society. It's sad to see how not all but many men take part in a constant test to prove their masculinity to fellow men and to the world.
I saw a guy get wedgied. However, he still hung around the guys who had done that to him. It was forbidden to exit the most popular group of popular guys in school. It was an unspoken rule of the man code.
Another guy had a piece of his uniform ripped off by a "friend," which exposed his nipple to the public. He cried, and the guys laughed at him. A boy crying meant that he was a weakling and not a man. This bottling up of emotions is extremely harmful and develops unhealthy emotional outlets in men that last well into adulthood. Take a look at this ad:
Moving on to another incident.
On one regular day, as I was busy sorting some stuff out, my roommate suddenly asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said, "no," he inquired about my past love life. The question caught me off-guard. It was a random question that was directed to me out of the blue. I felt that it was inappropriate to ask something so personal. My answer didn't seem to satisfy him as he thought that my school life had been uneventful. You could notice a visible dulling of his spirits after I gave my answer, as it implied that I was more manly than him according to societal standards.
It's depressing, man.
I see men being shamed for being into skincare and makeup. It's a human desire to want to look good, and no one should be ridiculed for that. How does a man putting on blush negatively impact another man or another person?
On February 4th, 2022, professional volleyball player Kim Inhyeok was found dead in his home. Throughout his career, he battled derogatory and malicious comments about his looks. He didn't conform to the standards set by society. Words can't describe how heartbreaking his passing is. Male sports fans are a different breed.
Toxic masculinity leaves no stone unturned. It percolates into every nook and cranny of society. It can even suppress parts of you and affect aspects of your life you shouldn't really be overthinking in the first place.
You could witness a man only play a Kylie Minogue song when his homies aren't around because listening to a song that doesn't fit the stereotypical mold constructed by society lessens one's manliness, which is not good for that person. And are they really your homies if they make fun of your taste in music? Also, is it fair to criticize the man who listens to Kylie Minogue only alone out of fear that he'll be looked down on?
With all this talk about masculinity, what even is masculinity? For me, it's about being kind, helpful, understanding, and confident while being sensitive and valuing yourself as a person. It's about possessing good attributes and exerting a positive influence on others. It's not avoiding skincare like the plague, hating "girly" activities like knitting, and despising bright colors. The Indonesian workers are real men not because they're sacrificing their health and longevity but because they're hard workers who genuinely love their families with all their hearts.
Despite the negative and despondent tone of the article, the future isn't bleak. Things are definitely changing, and people are slowly coming around. While there's still a lot more progress to be made, we seem to be moving in the right direction. We are indeed getting there.
I have been adversely impacted by the masculinity defined by society and have hidden pieces of myself as a result. I even remember debating if I should send a heart emoji or a smiley face to a male friend when I was fourteen, which is just plain sad.
However, just like how change is being made to combat the toxicity of toxic masculinity, I hope to change by becoming a freer version of myself. I hope many boys and men can do the same. It isn't easy, but it's very, very possible.
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